Solitude

You can change your hairstyle, you can change your self esteem, you can rearrange your furniture, you can pep yourself up and say this is gonna be different. But. There are some things no matter how you finagle it are never going to change.  When you are sitting at home for the millionth time, mascara running and cat tail curled around your arm and you don't understand why. You've made an effort to meet new people, gone out on social outings, tried new things, met new people. Why. It's the only word that loops in your mind. It kills you to look in your fathers face and weep like a little girl. High heels rubbing against your toes, screaming. Like the voice in your heart. Why. What makes me stick out like a sore thumb yet disappear against the wallpaper. Why. Are you the person since the 8th grade dance has been smushed into pictures like a scraggly dog trying to be seen amongst the puppies. Do we all just have roles that we have been cast to play. Why do we look at the characters around us and want their leading role.  Is it the spotlight, the unknown, the mystery, the image that their world is better? Is acceptance that hard. Is acceptance, admitting defeat? Why is so hard to accept the role you've been cast to play. Is it because social mores and cues dictate otherwise? We're bombarded with images of what we should be and how are lives are suppose to stack up. We're being set up for failure. If I could have one superpower, I'd want to be able to blink and try it all again. To know what I do know and try it again. It's hypocritical really. I always say that things happen for a reason and yet here I am saying I wish that I could change it. If I hadn't had my heart broken, I'd never have met my guitar teacher, if I'd gotten my nursing license I'd never have the memories with my best friend. It's like being the kid in the candy store wanting it all but never able to quite reach the tippiest top shelf.