LIFE IS GOOD

Well, world. I'm officially several pounds lighter and I'm not talking about from my hips. Nope, I'm talking about my heart. I washed my hands clean today. This feeling hasn't quite settled in yet. I still have this lingering feeling.

I've never been through a bad break up before but having gone through it I value the experience as a great tool and life lesson. I always thought that people who sobbed about hurting hearts needed to "man up" so to speak. I now take it all back. Having your heart ripped out of you like an alien abduction hurts like you have never known before. You feel quite literally like the expression, the rug has been pulled out from under you. I went to work that morning and tried my best to keep it together but in the end crumbled. I couldn't work, I couldn't function. Here was this person that I had developed two years of trust and confidence and had built a life with now suddenly it was all gone. In the blink of an eye my whole world was turned upside down.

Yet, I wouldn't trade the hurt the anguish and the few following weeks of sheer incapacity to function. Being knocked on my ass like that was the biggest wake up call I've received. It was self esteem boot camp. I had to go back and re-evaluate myself as a person, an individual, a member of society, my family life and my dreams. I never realized just how miserable I had been for 2 years. That I had been hiding my hurt and fear and insecureness in someone that had been enabling me to live like that. What kind of sick life is that ? Well, I can tell you now that it is no life.

Slowly, piece by piece, step by step I have begun to rebuild my self and my world. Moving back home with your parents could be an article or a blog unto itself. It has taken some getting used to, the giving up your space and independence and for me my kitchen.

I began by removing the social media traces, the phone number and today his belongings. They had been sitting in a box for far too long. A constant reminder of what used to be. Literal baggage sitting in my trunk. Sincerity and kindness were easy to fake through e-mails and text messages but maintaining that civility in person was not going to be easy. So, I  found a recruit. I had my best friend come along for both moral support and a welcome distraction.

Granted I was a half hour late but I swear to you I did not do that on purpose. This otherwise timely person just ran into some speed bumps on my way out the door. I didn't begin to feel the knots in my stomach until we began to near the restaurant. My whole body began to feel the nausea one may experience on a roller coaster ride. He looked as he did before,  only well, this is public domain so I'll be kind and abstain from commenting. The conversation was awkward but my friend helped keep it pleasant, if that's the appropriate word. I was ready to be done and the air was bitting my pale cheeks. My legs would not quit trembling, I was shaking worse than a leaf. All of the grief was beginning to wash away. I finally felt as though I could finally devote my whole heart to the new wonderful man in my life.

So, world. I give to you a woman who is happy, high on life, ready to tackle the world, able to conquer the unknown and as the sign in my room says:

"LIFE IS GOOD"


:)